Today I turn thirty. I like it because 3 is an odd number and a prime number, which feels safe (OCD, remember?), and I’m still not as old as I’ve always felt, which is about forty-five. I don’t think I’m going to miss my twenties, which were kind of awkward and melodramatic, but I met my husband towards the end of them and I learned a whole lot about who I am and who other people are, so I don’t regret them. It’s just nice to be moving into a new decade of motherhood and love and hope and bravery and faith and all those wonderful things. I really am looking forward to my thirties immensely.
So in honor of my birthday, here is a list of thirty things – anything, everything. I really am writing as topics leap into my mind, so this could go anywhere. (I’m wild!) Continue reading “Thirty on Thirty”
…you get all uppity, railing away at someone’s incompetence/rudeness/unconcern for the time and/or feelings of others, because how dare they inconvenience you, and you’re having quite an enjoyable temper tantrum/pity party when that still small voice says, in some amusement,
“Yeah, because you’re perfect.”
Getting back up, brushing myself off, getting back on my horse. Just not the high one this time.
Overall, I’m continuing to make progress on the postpartum anxiety and OCD front. I’ve had problems with anxiety for a long time (though never to this extent), so I knew from the beginning not to expect a linear recovery and to be happy with a predominately upward trend. I just never expected recovery to take so long or for the inevitable dips to be so deep. James turned ten months old a couple days ago and I can’t believe that I’m still not over this. I’m hard on myself a lot; I get frustrated with myself a lot. I’ve always prized the rational mind and its ability to demystify itself: if I’m feeling bad, it’s because I’m doing/thinking this thing or that thing wrong, so if I change that thing, I should feel better, right?
Well. Apparently not always. Continue reading “The Pause That Terrifies”
I have a “thing” about planners. Andrew makes fun of me because I’m usually tempted to buy a new one long before the old one has run out. I love the newness, the crispness, the feeling of starting afresh. I’m also really tempted by pretty pictures of beautifully decorated pages filled with neat handwriting. 🙂 Continue reading “Day Designer Planner Review”
On our honeymoon, Andrew and I stayed at a beautiful little bed and breakfast in Hot Springs, Arkansas. The whole time we were there, he kept the door to our private balcony open all night – which doesn’t sound odd, until you know that we were married in mid-November. It was SO COLD. I slept with my long-sleeved pajamas on under his zip-up fleece footie pajamas, which I appropriated for my own use. He slept shirtless. Continue reading “Dressing Your Baby for Sleep When Your Husband Is a Polar Bear”
This is difficult to write. Not because the details of the first couple months of my son’s life are fuzzy – on the contrary, they’re razor-sharp, and that’s what makes writing about them so challenging. Going back into the feelings of those memories is so easy. They’re still so close, just a step behind me.
But I think that more honest accounts of postpartum illnesses, and the recovery from them, need to be written. Continue reading “The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, the Very Ugly, and Hope: My Story”