Overall, I’m continuing to make progress on the postpartum anxiety and OCD front. I’ve had problems with anxiety for a long time (though never to this extent), so I knew from the beginning not to expect a linear recovery and to be happy with a predominately upward trend. I just never expected recovery to take so long or for the inevitable dips to be so deep. James turned ten months old a couple days ago and I can’t believe that I’m still not over this. I’m hard on myself a lot; I get frustrated with myself a lot. I’ve always prized the rational mind and its ability to demystify itself: if I’m feeling bad, it’s because I’m doing/thinking this thing or that thing wrong, so if I change that thing, I should feel better, right?
Well. Apparently not always. Continue reading “The Pause That Terrifies”
On our honeymoon, Andrew and I stayed at a beautiful little bed and breakfast in Hot Springs, Arkansas. The whole time we were there, he kept the door to our private balcony open all night – which doesn’t sound odd, until you know that we were married in mid-November. It was SO COLD. I slept with my long-sleeved pajamas on under his zip-up fleece footie pajamas, which I appropriated for my own use. He slept shirtless. Continue reading “Dressing Your Baby for Sleep When Your Husband Is a Polar Bear”
This is difficult to write. Not because the details of the first couple months of my son’s life are fuzzy – on the contrary, they’re razor-sharp, and that’s what makes writing about them so challenging. Going back into the feelings of those memories is so easy. They’re still so close, just a step behind me.
But I think that more honest accounts of postpartum illnesses, and the recovery from them, need to be written. Continue reading “The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, the Very Ugly, and Hope: My Story”